As most of you know, on GH the Kristina custody battle between Sonny and Alexis rages on!
The following is what I envision when Alexis take the stand
Jordan: I call Alexis Davis to the stand your honor
Alexis gets up and sits in the witness chair
Jordan: Now, Ms. Davis, Mr. Corinthos has repeatedly offered you joint custody with your daughter Kristina- and yet you refuse his generous offer. Why?
Alexis: Nihil aliud scit necessitas quam vincere SONNY IS A CRIMINAL! SONNY IS DANGEROUS! Why and I here? I am soo weary! I need to get home to MY home and MY Daughter
Sonny: Oh no, here come the pronouns! (he shakes his head)
Judge: Ms. Davis, why are you speaking in Latin?
Alexis: This is to show how smart I am your honor. I am the thinking women's favorite soap character.
Judge: So fans of other characters aren't as smart?
Alexis: That's right.
Sonny: Hey Alexis! Pone ubi sol non lucet !
Alexis (sputters) What?
Ric: Uhh... E Pluribus Un...Um?
Alexis (buries her head in her hands): OY! And here I thought I married the smart one!
Jordan: In regards to Mr. Corinthos' offer of joint custody, Ms. Davis, Noli equi dentes inspicere donati
Alexis (incredulous): You speak latin too?
Jordan: You're not the only savvy female attorney on this show.
Jordan: It is your contention that Mr. Corinthos' life style puts Kristina at risk, right?
Alexis: Yes. MR CORINTHOS IS A BAD, BAD, MAN WHO KILLED MY SISTER!
Jax (in the courtroom sings): A boy like that who killed your seeeeeeeester, forget that boy and find---------
Courtney (sitting next to him rolling eyes): Shut up Jax!!
Jordan: You are no stranger to murder yourself, isn't that right it Ms. Davis?
Alexis (squirming): Weelll
Jordan: You murdered Luis Alcazar didn't you?
Alexis: But But you don't understand--he killed my sister!
Jordan: I thought you just said Mr. Corinthos killed your sister.
Alexis: He did, but it was Sonny's fault!
Jordan: how is that?
Alexis: HE IS A MOBSTER!! HIS CHARACTER REPRESENTS ALL GANGSTERS, MOBSTERS AND CRIMINALS IN THE WORLD!! SO I BLAME HIM FOR EVERY UNDERWORLD CRIME! AND I FIGHT TO BRING THESE CRIMINALS TO JUSTICE! TO GET JUSTICE FOR MY SISTERS DEATH!
Sonny (rubbing ear) Hey Alexis, can you speak any louder? I don't think they heard you in Pittsburgh.
Jordan: So you blame Mr. Corinthos for the crime spree of Bonnie and Clyde?
Jordan: And the lady in red who turned in John Dillinger--that was you?
Sonny (groaning): She has this little red riding hood cape to prove it.
Jordan: And you blame Sonny Corinthos for the 1928 St. Valentines Day Massacre in Chicago?
Ric: The 1928 St. Valentines Day Massacre--what year did that happen?
Alexis: (shakes her head): DUHHH!! .
Jordan: Do you also blame Sonny Corinthos for the 1964 kidnapping of Frank Sinatra Jr.?
Alexis: No, I don't blame him for that.
Jordan: Hmmm, how generous of you. Ms. Davis, Luis Alcazar, the alleged mobster, came to Port Charles because of his involvement with Brenda Barret not Sonny Corinthos, isn't that right?
Jax: Oh me poor Brender!
Courtney (rolling eyes): Shut up Jax!
Alexis: I am weary, I NEED TO GET HOME TO MY DAUGHTER!
Jordan: Just answer the question Ms. Davis.
Alexis: Oh alright.. YES!!
Jordan: And wasn't another one of Luiz Alcazar's targets your friend Jasper Jax, also involved with Ms. Barrett.?
Alexis: Yes but Jax is different !
Jax: (to Courtney)I am a knight in shining armour--and thanks to Clairol, I have golden hair! I'm not a thug like your brother or Jason!
Jax: They don't do animal testing
Courtney: oh. Hey! Jason is NOT a thug!
Jax: What about Sonny? Is he a thug?
Courtney: Sonny, do I know a Sonny? (She taps her forehead) --Oh right my brother-------That Sonny!
Jordan (to Alexis): Ms. Davis, you bar Mr. Corinthos from seeing his daughter and hold him responsible for your sisters death. Isn't Jax just as responsible?
Alexis: Semantics! This is all just semantics!
Judge: Answer the question Ms. Davis.
Alexis (begrudgingly): I guess so.
Jordan: Isn't it true Ms. Davis, that you and Ned Quartermaine are actually the cause of your sister Kristina's death by lying to her and forcing her to seek out Mr. Corinthos in his warehouse that day to learn the truth about your lies and deceit and your wrong doings?
Alexis: NO! No! I lied to protect my baby! (She starts to weep)
Carly (seated next to Courtney in the court room, munching on a box of popcorn): Wow this is starting to get good. Boy--I am really hungry. Da mihi sis bubulae frustrum assae, solana tuberosa in modo gallico fricta, ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum
Courtney gasps: You know Latin?
Carly (chewing pop-corn): Um hmm! Berlitz.
Carly: I'm so worried about how this trial will affect Jason. He's going through such a hard time with Sam losing the baby.
Courtney: I know--I'm worried sick about him. Maybe we should go check on him right now.
Carly: Ok--you drive. Can we grab a burger on the way? But what about Jax??
Courtney: He listens to show tunes Carly!
Courtney: Jax, we're going to check on Jason now--see you later!
Jordan (to Alexis): So, theoretically, if Ms. Barrett returns to Port Charles with another mobster, Mr. Corinthos and Mr. Jax will both be targets?
Alexis: Yeah--whats your point?
Jordan: My point is that you don't see Mr. Jax as a danger to Kristina but yet you see Mr. Corinthos as one.
Alexis: But during Sonny's custody trial with his wife Carly, his car exploded in the Courthouse parking lot! His kids could have been in there!
Jordan: But wasn't Mr. Corinthos targeted by Luis Alcazar's brother Lorenzo because of Lorenzo's involvement with Mr. Corinthos' wife?
Jordan: So then, Mr. Corinthos' business had nothing to do with that car bombing, did it?.
Lorenzo (Gets up from his seat in the courtroom): I object!!
Jordan: Mr. Alcazar, what are you doing here?
Lorenzo: It's in my contract that I appear at least once an episode and say Corrrrrrrrrrrriiiinthos-so that people know I'm Hispanic. Lois?
Lois (behind him, adoringly): I'm here Lorenzo!
Lorenzo: How long have you known Corrrrrrriinthoss?
Lois: Oh, Since we was just kids in Brooklyn. I'm from Brooklyn--did you know that? Um Hmm--Bensonhurst. Anyway, Sonny hung out with me and Julio down by the schoolyard.
Judge: Well, I guess that fulfills your contractual agreement Mr. Alcazar. Will you and Ms. Cerullo please take a seat?
Sonny (shaking his head): and they say my contract demands are weird.
Jordan (to Alexis): Ms. Davis, Isn't it true that your family once tried to take over the world by using a weather machine?
Alexis: I object!
Jordan: Hey! That's my line!
Ric: I object because she objects. Alexis why am I objecting?
Alexis: Did they pay someone to take tests for you at Harvard Law? Object because my family has no bearing on this case!
Ric: I object your honor. Even thought the Cassadine family is Russian, this case has no bear.
Sonny (laughs): You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family!
Jordan: I am trying to show a pattern of crime, violence and murder and just plain old weirdness in the Cassadine family, your honor.
Judge: Objection overruled. But please get to the point.
Jordan: Is it true Ms. Davis that your family is composed of werewolves, vampires and mummies
Alexis: Grandmummy! I still miss my Grandmummy (weeps)!
Jax: Well that explains why Alexis never got up until after sundown and only took cases in night court when we were married!
Jordan (to Alexis): Then is it safe to say that you can only be killed by a stake through the heart or with a silver bullet?
Alexis: For MY daughters sake Mr. Corinthos should give up---
Jordan: I object your honor. The witness is not answering the question.
Alexis (sighing): Yes I can only be killed by a stake through the heart or a silver bullet--But MR CORINTHOS IS AN EVIL BAD BAD MOBSTER!!--
Jordan: Then is it safe to assume that when you lured Mr. Corinthos in your plan to help Zander Smith with his "mob" problems, you knew you could not die of a bullet wound.
Alexis: SONNY IS A KILLER! SONNY MUST BE STOPPED!!
Sonny: Your honor this lady sucks the blood out of everyone she knows
Ric: Really?? I like it when she sucks---
Judge: That's enough Mr. Corinthos and Mister Lansing.
Alexis: Ric! You're not helping!
Jordan: Thank you judge. Now Ms. Davis--when you let Mr. Corinthos step in front of a gun and take two bullets in his chest for you am I correct in assuming you knew you couldn't be killed by lead bullets. And doesn't that make you an even bigger threat to Mr. Corinthos and a danger to Kristina?
Alexis--Gee--it sounds so icky when you put it that way!
Jordan: Answer the question Ms. Davis
Alexis (SIGHING): I am so weary. I NEED TO GET BACK TO KRISTINA! KRISTINA NEEDS ME! I'M HER MOTHER!
Jordan(to judge): Your honor!
Alexis: OK, OK, yes I am a vampire, yes I drink blood and yes, I let Sonny get shot--I was hungry!! (She weeps)
Sonny: Hey that's kind of a turn on!
Ric: Alexis--its bad form to cry on the stand.
Alexis: Oh shut up Ric! Its my trial and I'll cry if I want to!
Nihil aliud scit necessitas quam vincere- Necesssity knows nothing else but victory.
Pone ubi sol non lucet! - Put it where the sun don't shine!
Noli equi dentes inspicere donati - Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.
Da mihi sis bubulae frustrum assae, solana tuberosa in modo gallico fricta, ac quassum lactatum coagulatum crassum
Give me a hamburger, french fries, and a thick shake